Although we are living in the most prosperous era of humankind, we are also seeing an increasing number of people being more stressed, sadder and with an increasing number of registered depression cases. We can observe this trend ourselves: people are more irritable, impatient and disconnected from day-to-day life. The same observation is also backed by studies, like the one performed by Gallup.
Gallup’s Global Emotions study, from 2022, highlights another kind of record that humankind has set last year. While the world is trying to recover from a pandemic, shaken by an ongoing war and rapidly increasing inflation, a silent killer is lurking in the dark: human unhappiness.
“Four in 10 adults said they experienced a lot of worry (42%) or stress (41%), and slightly more than three in 10 experienced a lot of physical pain (31%).
More than one in four experienced sadness (28%) and slightly fewer experienced anger (23%).”
Stress has many faces and creeps into our lives from many directions. The human brain didn’t biologically evolve to keep us happy. It has developed to keep us alive. So, whenever we find ourselves in unusual situations, faced with uncertainty or unfamiliarity, our brain reacts to keep us alive. During this reaction, our body floods with stress hormone (cortisol), our heart beats faster, our muscles get tense, and our breath quickens.
What can you do about stress personally?
We live in a fast environment, and it doesn’t look like things want to slow down. The pace is ever-increasing.
The lack of time and the concurring priorities make life in an organization particularly difficult. If you are a perfectionist, like me, it will not help you. You need to understand that not everything in life can be perfect.
Here are some stress management tips from my personal experience:
- Make a list with everything you want to be perfect in life, and then one-by-one select the ones you can commit to being mediocre at. Decide on your top 3 priorities where you tend to perfection and leave the rest aside.
- Learn from the older generations. While Millennials reply to an e-mail in 16 minutes, Gen X and beyond take their time and answer in around 47 minutes. Don’t hurry to reply. If you really need extra time, send a confirmation that you have received the e-mail and estimate a time by which you can replay. Don’t be shy, you are just managing expectations here. A simple message like: “I’ve received your email. I’ll reply by Tuesday” will suffice.
- Learn to push back on never ending meeting requests that come your way, based on their importance and requestor:
How Can Leaders Manage Stress In Teams and Organizations?
Communication is the key. Using the right tools and appropriate wording can keep anxiety levels low and allow people to work with a clear head toward clear goals. To facilitate this, I recommend two models that are easy to understand and implement in day-to-day life.
SCARF Model
In a nutshell: the SCARF model was first presented by Dr. Daniel Rock in 2008. SCARF stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Familiarity. These five elements are “buttons” which are present in all mammals. Whenever these buttons are “pressed” our unconscious mind treats them as critical survival issues and can cause us to feel anxious. We all have the SCARF buttons but are set to different sensibility settings.
Before a presentation, take a moment and analyze your message from the SCARF buttons’ point of view. Which buttons will your message press in the audience? What will be received as negative and what will generate a positive reaction?
When getting ready for giving feedback, think about the message you intend to pass on and plan ahead which buttons you are going to press.
It’s easier than it looks at first glance. Let’s look at a few examples of how we can press these buttons negatively and positively in a business setting.
Press Status positively by appreciating someone’s work. Ex. “John, your presentation on the global supply chain was spot on today!”
Every time you are delivering on a promise, you are on time for a meeting, and keep the agreed deadlines you press Certainty positively. If you agree that the deadline for a report is Monday at 5 PM then patiently wait for the agreed 5 PM before asking for it.
If you set a meeting for Thursday at 10 AM make sure you will be on time. In case you are running late go ahead and announce the delay beforehand. Otherwise, you risk pressing Certainty negatively.
Autonomy translated into a business setting is negatively pressed when micromanaging and implementing very rigorous processes to be followed during day-to-day activities.
Find similarities with people you are interacting with and highlight them. The famous phrase “We are in this together” is pressing relatedness positively. Fairness is the perception that the exchanges we are having with others are equitable and proper. For the same job, we are getting paid equally and we receive the same appreciation.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model
The Nonviolent Communication method, described by Marshall B. Rosenberg in his book with the same title, has 4 steps:
- State what you observe, see, hear, and remember. Stick to the facts, not your interpretation of the facts. People cannot get mad about objective facts, while they can be bothered by and or feel attacked by your interpretation.
ex. “I have noticed that …”
- Share your own feelings, and how a specific situation made you feel. People cannot get mad because of what you are feeling.
ex. “…this makes me feel…”
- Say what is important for you, your values.
ex. “Because my needs are…”
- Ask for clear and precise actions that will take you out of your discomfort.
ex. “Are you willing to …”
Let’s see this method in action. Say, you have a team member that is constantly late from the scheduled team meetings and this is causing delays in everyone else’s agenda. As a leader, you need to address this behavior and correct it.
You can approach the team member with this message:
“You are always late. I can never start the meeting on time. Do I need to buy you a watch? You need to make an effort and be here on time like everyone else”.
How would you feel after this conversation? Would you try to make an effort to be on time?
This is how the same message could sound like, using NVC:
“I have observed that this is the 3rd time this month that you are late for our morning meetings [you are now stating the facts. They cannot be argued, as it is clear to both of you that the schedule has not been kept]. I feel stressed because I cannot start the meeting on time and both my and the other members’ schedule for the day gets delayed. [You are now sharing how you feel about the facts presented priorly]. I need the entire team to join the meeting at the agreed time so that we can all get up to date with the status of the open projects. [This is where you share what you need from them]. I would appreciate it if you could be on time. Can you please join us at 9 AM? [You state your request and get the commitment].
Which one of the two approaches would you prefer, was it you the one who is often running late?
The NVC method can also be used the other way around. If you are being confronted by an angry team member, who is not familiar with the NVC method, you can guide them to touch the 4 steps: state facts, share feelings, say needs, and request action and relieve their anxiety.
Let’s look at the conversation below and how the leader is handling it. For the sake of readability, I will be using T for Team Member and L for Leader.
T: You don’t care about me!
L: [ask for facts] Help me understand and describe to me what exactly am I doing, that makes you say I don’t care about you?
T: “I am the only one looking for you.”
L: [rephrase the reply as feelings] Let me see if I understand this correctly. If only you are reaching out, it means I don’t care for you because I am not taking proactive steps. Is this correct?
T: Yes, you are not looking for me
L: [ask for the needs] How can I help you? What can I do so that you don’t feel like this? [make sure you are receiving a clear need, not a negation]
T: I need to have weekly 1-1’s planned in the calendar when we can discuss freely.
Conclusion
Speaking and communicating are not the same thing. Just because we are speaking to someone, it doesn’t automatically mean that we are successfully transferring what’s in our head, to the other person.
Using the SCARF and NVC model either stand-alone or combined, you can help ease stress and anxiety in people around you.